What follows an approximant account of the lecture I found myself giving my two oldest children last night. I want to state right now that I have no problem with video games and am actually quite fond of playing them myself, but there’s only so much a dad can take…
No! No! NO!!!
I will NOT get you through the rest of this dungeon!
No I will NOT beat this boss for you!
Do you think I had someone to get me through the hard parts of games when I was a kid?!?!
You think Nana or Grandpa ever beat a boss for me?
No they didn’t.
My generation was the first to have complicated games and we didn’t have parents that knew how to play.
My parents played Pac-man and Pong and pinball!
We didn’t have the luxury of living in a house with someone who’s played games for 25+ years and who knew how video game logic works.
No, when I was a kid, WHEN I WAS A CHILD, we had to figure out how to get through things ourselves dammit!
WE didn’t even have the INTERNET!
Yeah, that’s right! No internet.
Let that shit sink in.
If we were lucky we had a friend who had played before us or we knew someone who knew someone who was able to save up enough money to buy a Nintendo Power magazine that might, MIGHT, have an answer to a question about the game we were playing in it!
When I was a kid, when that old man between the fires in the beginning of Zelda said “take this, it’s dangerous to go alone”, all he gave us was that sword, because we, we were truly alone out there in the shit man.
WE figured the puzzles out ourselves!
To US, every “secret”, be it level, weapon or what have you, was an actual goddam secret that you either stumbled on yourself by chance or you had to research and hunt down like it was the Ark-of-the-MOTHERFUCKING-COVENANT!
WE DID THAT THAT SHIT OURSELVES!
WE, WE HAD GAMES THAT NO ONE WE KNEW COULD BEAT!!
WE WERE THE LONELY MOTHERFUCKING WARRIORS OF VIDEO GAMES AND WE ARE BETTER PEOPLE BECAUSE OF IT, NOW STOP ASKING ME TO PLAY YOUR GODDAM GAMES FOR YOU!!!
I’m sorry, Daddy didn’t mean to…
Please stop crying guys…
I didn’t mean to…
How about I get y’all through those levels and we just don’t tell Momma about this?
I… I love you…