The Big Talk (or explaining “doing the sex”)

So the other day Demon Spawn came running into the kitchen to tell me that his older brother had decided to make two characters from the Sims game he was playing “do the sex”.

“Do the sex?”

“Yes!” Demon Spawn said enthusiastically. “He’s trying to make them DO! THE! SEXXXXXXXXX!!!!!”

I sat there slightly stunned, trying to think of how to handle the situation, when it occurred to me that there was a good chance that neither Demon Spawn nor his big brother really knew what it meant to actually do the have sex. So I walked into the living room and asked the oldest what he thought “doing the sex” was.

“Kissing and hugging… and stuff?”

“What kind of ‘stuff’?”

“I don’t know…”

“Yup, that’s about it. Don’t make your Sims do that. I’m going to cook dinner.” And that’s how I planed on leaving the conversation until he stumbled upon internet porn.

My wife on the other hand decided, after I told her the story later, that this would be a good opportunity to have the sex talk. The anatomical sex talk. Not the “where babies come from” sex talk, but the “what it physically entails” sex talk. I told her that she was wrong and laid out the internet porn idea which she quickly struck down while also starting a conversation about how it may be time to put the parental locks on all the things.

So the talk it was.

The next day we gathered the two oldest in the livingroom and I let my wife do most of the talking, “So you know where baby’s come from right?”

“Right?”

The oldest finally decided to answer, “Um… Yes? Sex? A man… ? And woman get… together? And, um, do sex? And a part of the man combines with part of the woman,” and then the stuff he understood came out much easier, “and then the egg is fertilized and one cell starts multiplying in the momma’s belly, uh, uterus, and eventually it makes a whole baby that comes out of the vagina.”

“Ok, do you know what having sex actually is?”

At this point in the conversation I thought that I had never been more uncomfortable in my life.

“Kissing and hugging and… stuff?”

At least he’s consistent, I thought.

My wife started again, “Kissing and hugging is part of it…”

“Well that really depends on…”, I was cut off with a look. “Never mind. Go on sweetie, you’re doing great!”

“Anyway, kissing and hugging is part of it, but do you know what the other ‘stuff’ is?”

“No.”

“Well the other stuff… Is… Well the other stuff is the actual act of sex which is… So you know boys have a penis and girls have a vagina? Well… Um…”

I decided to rescue her, “The man puts his penis inside the vagina and that’s how the male and female parts, sperm and egg, get together and make a baby!”

“So, wait… I’m going to have to do THAT!?!?!”

“If you continue to like girls there’s going to come a time when you’re going to really want to do that.”

“So I’m just going to be all like ‘oh look, there’s a vagina, I would like to put my penis in it’?”

And I was wrong earlier because that was most uncomfortable I ever felt in my life…

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The Talk

OK, I can answer this.

“That? That is tampon.”

Maybe that’ll be…

Oh dear God NO!

“Well, um… You know how a baby is made?”

Please let him remember. I don’t want to have that talk too. Please let him remember.

Oh good.

“So, the momma makes the egg in the ovary… No, not like a chicken egg.”

Is this kid fucking with me?

“You were joking. Do you want to know or what?”

Say no. Say no and walk away. Please just walk away.

Damn it!

“Alright then, um, the egg goes from the ovary, down the fallopian tube, to the uterus, where the baby grows if the egg gets fertilized.”

Wait, I think I got this. It’s just biology. I know biology.

“If the egg doesn’t get fertilized by a certain time the egg and the… uterine… wall?”

Oh shit, I don’t have this, I have no idea how this part happens.

“Um, anyway it, uh… The egg comes out in a bloody mess and the tampon is like an insertable band-aid that keeps women from bleeding in their pants.”

Oh sweet baby Jesus, did I just say that? What the hell?

Oh no, what is… Oh, I, I think am actually watching what it looks like when a mental scar forms.

“Why don’t you go watch TV buddy. I’ll make you some hot chocolate”