Video Games: A Rant

What follows an approximant account of the lecture I found myself giving my two oldest children last night. I want to state right now that I have no problem with video games and am actually quite fond of playing them myself, but there’s only so much a dad can take…

No! No! NO!!!

I will NOT get you through the rest of this dungeon!

No I will NOT beat this boss for you!

Do you think I had someone to get me through the hard parts of games when I was a kid?!?!

You think Nana or Grandpa ever beat a boss for me?


No they didn’t.

My generation was the first to have complicated games and we didn’t have parents that knew how to play.

My parents played Pac-man and Pong and pinball!

We didn’t have the luxury of living in a house with someone who’s played games for 25+ years and who knew how video game logic works.

No, when I was a kid, WHEN I WAS A CHILD, we had to figure out how to get through things ourselves dammit!

WE didn’t even have the INTERNET!

Yeah, that’s right! No internet.

Let that shit sink in.

If we were lucky we had a friend who had played before us or we knew someone who knew someone who was able to save up enough money to buy a Nintendo Power magazine that might, MIGHT, have an answer to a question about the game we were playing in it!

When I was a kid, when that old man between the fires in the beginning of Zelda said “take this, it’s dangerous to go alone”, all he gave us was that sword, because we, we were truly alone out there in the shit man.

WE figured the puzzles out ourselves!

To US, every “secret”, be it level, weapon or what have you, was an actual goddam secret that you either stumbled on yourself by chance or you had to research and hunt down  like it was the Ark-of-the-MOTHERFUCKING-COVENANT!





I’m sorry, Daddy didn’t mean to…

Please stop crying guys…

I didn’t mean to…

How about I get y’all through those levels and we just don’t tell Momma about this?


I… I love you… 


Kid Cuisine

I used to make this dish, usually around the first part of October after a successful deer hunt, where I would take a section of venison loin, season it with little sea salt, fresh ground pepper and just touch of cinnamon and nutmeg, and sear it on all sides in a hot cast iron pan until it had a nice caramelized crust. I would then take this loin and stick it in the oven to slow roast. While waiting for it to reach a medium rare I would throw a little butter and a few finely chopped shallots into the pan I seared the loin in, let the shallots soften up a bit and then deglaze the pan with a splash of good bourbon and a half bottle of one of the seasonal pumpkin beers that come out around that time of year. I’d cook that down, add a dash of pumpkin pie spice and some cream, let it thicken up a little bit and serve this sauce with the medium rare loin and a side of homemade sweet potato fries.

Before children this kind of meal wasn’t unusual in my home.

Gumbos, creoles, shrimp  and grits, seafood stews, wild game cooked any and every way I could think of; almost all the ingredients caught, grown or shot by me or someone whose name I at least knew…

Tonight for dinner I had Mickey Mouse shaped chicken nuggets, boxed mac & cheese and frozen broccoli.

This kind of meal isn’t unusual in my house now.

Yay kids.


Disciplining Children and How You Will Never Do It Right

In reality I’m sure you’re doing a perfectly fine job disciplining your child. You know your child. You know what gets their attention. You know their limits. What they like, what they don’t.

You, you’re doing fine.


But you know who thinks they can do a better job disciplining your child/children?

Everybody else on Earth.

Or at least that’s how it feels sometimes.

Take your kids to a public place (I like Walmart because there’s always a good mix of individuals and my children lose their goddam minds’ the minute we walk through the door) and watch people’s reactions as you deal with them. You let your children run around and have fun? Side glances and whispered “if those were my kids…”. Tight leashes and telling them to hush? Head shakes and tut-tuts from the hippy skirts and grandma crowd.

In just the last two weeks I’ve had conversations that ranged from “We don’t use the word ‘no’, it’s too negative” to “What’d’a mean you don’t spank your kids?!?! My sister didn’t spank her kids and now one of her boys is jail for meth. Uh-hu…”

Really no matter how you choose to disciplin your own children somebody else will think they can do a better job.

And as far as I can tell, as long as we don’t bring popular religions into this, no one has produced a perfect child yet.

So if what I talked about above has ever gotten to you, just relax because you’re doing a perfectly fine job.

And if you’re part of the judgy side, please keep your head down, mouth shut and unless there seems to be some sort of real abuse going on, mind your own business.


Still Alive

In case anyone was wondering, I am still alive.

I did not succumb to the numerous illnesses that have been flooding through my home for the last month.

My computer has died though.

This leaves me with only an iPad to write on.

I have learned that if I try to write anything of any length on the iPad that my frustration level will reach a point where I may throw it a wall.

This isn’t my iPad that I’m using.

So y’all will hear from me again when I have access to something that doesn’t suck so hard.


A New Approach

I’m done.

I’ve tried traditional punishments.

I’ve tried reasoning with them.

I’ve tried denying them things.

I’ve tried incentives.

I’ve tried a more active lifestyle with more stimulation.

I’ve tried a calmer, less stimulating lifestyle.

But my oldest is still ADD addled, impulsive and prone to explosive meltdowns and my now four year-old child, Demon Spawn, is still contrary and stubborn.

So, I’m going to try the hands off approach. I’m going to love them, feed them, clothe them and keep a roof over their heads but other than that I’m going to leave them be, just see what happens.  And maybe I can go full on hippy with it and try to find some weed (I think I might still know a guy) and just sit back and be pleasantly baked all day while my children bring about the kinds of chaos that only exists in the fever dreams of the most dedicated of anarchist.

This seems like a great plan. And at the very least I’ll be much more chill…

Christmas Town

Or it may be Christmasville.

I don’t really know.

Anyway, I’m going/being dragged to this event today so I can revel in the delights that are crowds, screaming kids and “Daddy buy me that!”.

Oh and twenty tons of trucked in snow.

It will be seventy degrees here today.

Yes my bug is hum and my heart may be two sizes too small.

Maybe Christmas town/ville will cure my lack of spirit.

Maybe it will be the setting for my most spectacular public meltdown.

We shall see…