One For The New Year

People I know have been asking me recently why I’ve stopped posting. Usually I come up with some bullshit answer like “nothing interesting is happening” or “I’ve been too busy”. Truth be told there are multiple reasons and most have to do with something I’m notoriously uncomfortable with: emotions.

Stupid, stupid emotions.

See, I’ve been avoiding writing anything because I don’t like to talk about feelings. Not real feelings anyway.

I want to write light, funny antidotes about the cute, comical little things my kids do while growing-up. And I want to write light, funny antidotes about the ways kids suck sometimes but it’s all worth it because of…

Well, I guess there’s the problem.

Things have started to feel a lot less light and funny.

I wake up looking forward to bed time. 

I react the same now to one of my children screaming in pain as I do to one of my children laughing hysterically in joy (if you’re wondering, that reaction is indifference (or annoyance depending on how loudly the crying/laughing is)).

I’m morose and generally unpleasant to everyone.

So what I’m trying to say is that I’m becoming, or have become, an unbearable dick.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to read a post written by an unbearable dick. 

But, it is a new year, and as I saw yesterday written over a picture of Robert Downey Jr. rolling his eyes, “It’s Time for that New Year, New Me, bullshit”.

So here’s me taking the first step and admitting that there is a problem, and saying that it’s time for me to start actively trying to stop being so fucking miserable all the time, start writing more often, go fishing more often, stop looking at life like it’s a burden and appreciate it for the love, beauty and all the other mushy emotional shit it provides and maybe lose a few pounds while I’m at it!

And if bootstrapping doesn’t work, there’s always antidepressants.

 

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7 comments on “One For The New Year

  1. Saija says:

    The point is to brave enought to be naked on yourself.. In life I mean.. I thank you for being brave enough to be you..

    What if you are not a dig, but rather than you are just craving yourself to be you.. What id you are too hard on yourself? True change comes trough being kind to yourself.. And having fun..

    I wish you will have amazing year, and that you will find your your way, step by step, a breath by breath..

    You have shined your light to me, when it was totally black in my life.. You matter.. You are enough.. And things will change.. Thank you for being you as you are..

    Wishing you the best! 🙂

  2. Jonathan says:

    Like the first commenter has said, you’re brave for facing up to that situation and admitting that there’s something not quite right. I hope that you’ll find a way of working through it.

  3. Absolutely identify. Have also become a dick, or should say, twat. Always grumpy. I think it’s called burnout. Family life can do that. You are right the first step is recognition, then finding time and energy after the painfully long, tediouse and tiring days to read some good parenting books (that’s my aim anyway) and get back to the smiling. Otherwise it’s a slippery slope. Don’t wAnt my kids to remember their childhood with me like this. Good luck!

  4. gordon elkins says:

    I can relate- I married a beautiful woman with 3 teenage daughters- as an OCD 50 year old who never had children before and was married previously for 18 years- we just never had kids- it was kinda’ fun- we could do what we wanted when we wanted- I had no clue what this would be like , but I love her very much and the last 12 months with these “step” children have been an absolute blast- and when you are spending time and money on these kids, there is no fucking ” step” about them! But somewhere over the last couple of months, fun has turned into a bit of drudgery- the novelty of being this successful step dad that has always been there for these kids-” what an amazing guy he is…. do you see how he doudts on the children- he was made for parenting….”
    Somewhere along the line of these last 12 months I have lost my self and my identity.. But dude- thru your blog I have found a kindred spirit- a dude like me in the trenches- he’s fought the good fight has mastered the challenges in life and now… bring on Children… and they say god has no sense of humor….
    I had no idea a teenage girls room could smell that bad…LOL
    Keep on writing. as I tell my 3 girls- “Yes kids your step dad can be asshole- now go clean your room” ( you were missed.. happy new year. )

  5. We’ve all had our WTF weeks-months-years where we turned into unbearable somethings. Fortunately, it’s curable. Everyone finds their own way out of it. For me, it was rediscovering my joy (it involves yarn, definitely not fishing….)
    Best of luck to you –

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