Rites of Manhood

One of the many problems the modern westernized man suffers from in this day and age is a prolonged adolescence brought about by the lack of any kind of discernible switch from boyhood to manhood. There are a few things here and there, especially here in the south where I live, that are close to rites of passage; first deer killed, first beer drank, losing your virginity, first time you eat way more hallucinogens that you can possibly handle and find yourself lost in the woods draped in moss, mud and nothing else… These things help but really don’t give you the clear-cut “now you’re a man my son” kind of jolt into manhood that a ritualized ceremony can produce.

These ceremonies are usually based around physical, mental and emotional stress and how well the individual at the center of the ritual can handle them, i.e. if the boy can take the test and remain courageous and calm throughout he will walk away a man.

I believe that I may have discovered, quite by accident, the perfect manhood right for the modern man.

First: go on a prolonged “vacation” with your family.

Second: at the end of this “vacation” pack three young children ranging from one to eight years of age and their mother into a crowded vehicle. Make sure every person in this vehicle has some sort of electronic device and that all devices have their volume turned all the way up to eleven at all times.

Third: drive for at least thirteen straight hours. Make sure that at least four of those hours are spent driving an average of 10mph through major metropolitain areas. It should also be raining the entire time.

Fourth: try to pull into your destination around 1am or so. Make sure all children are wide awake after the very short naps they took in the vehicle.

Final step: walk into destination (note: this step only really works if your destination is your own home) and find that someone has broken in and stolen your kids videogame system and all of your guns.

If you can follow these steps while remaining calm, collected and strong throughout you will walk away a man.

Or it might be easier to put your hand in a glove full of bullet ants…


6 comments on “Rites of Manhood

  1. Saija says:

    Wow.. Hope everything went okey, after having few night’ of sleep and so forth.. And Thank you for writing your blog.. You have made my day so many times.. So Thank you so much! Hug’s from Finland.. =)

    • agitatedangler says:

      Thank YOU very much! And other than the missing stuff things are fine, the thieves were sweet enough not to mess the house up. I honestly didn’t notice anything was wrong until I saw that the bedroom window was open so that was a good thing.

      • Saija says:

        It is good to find blessings on the thing that happne’s in life.. Gland to hear all is well.. And Thanks again.. =) You have a way with word’s, in a good way.. =)

  2. As always, you make me laugh. This time, however, you also made my husband laugh (hallucinogens, mushrooms, mud….), which is saying something. Now for the “bless your heart” part: Sorry for both the extended vehicle time and the burglary, glad y’all are safe.

  3. […] ACEY: Blogging has definitely been a calming influence on me — I’m usually wound pretty tight. I use my blog to release steam and as a way to find humor in upsetting situations. […]

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