My dearest Wife,
I have searched far and wide, and across multiple supermarket card isles for anything that could fully expressed my love for you, on this, our eighth anniversary. Alas, Bi-Lo, Harris Teeter and the super Walmart has let us both down, so instead I am writing this letter to share with you, and many strangers on the internet, how deep my love for you flows.
And oh how it flows. Like a mighty river coming down a mountain my love flows for you, rushing over boulders and cascading down cliffs into deep plunge pools where large trout likely live waiting for a well presented streamer,and those plunge pools in turn flows into some nice pocket water that may be kind of hard to navigate but if you’re careful you should be able to fish it down to where the gradient evens out a bit creating a good calf-deep riffle that tails-out into a glassy pool that seems like a great place to find a thick hatch of some kind but it’s often kind of hard to tell with these things when you don’t know how fertile the river is, of course this is my dream river so it can be as fertile as I want it to be…
I’m sorry Sweetie, the river analogy just won’t work, it’s way too distracting for me. So scratch the whole “my love flows deep thing”.
I’m going to start over now…
With a late ninety’s catch phrase popularized by a crazy scientologist.
You complete me. Cliche but true. Without you I would probably be a complete mess, spending my nights in a haze of booze, weed and sex, spending my days bumming around America’s streams and rivers, working odd jobs just long enough to make enough money to get to the next fishable piece of water. I would be constantly drunk on the freedom of the open road…
Wow, this is not going well.
I couldn’t have asked for a better partner in life.
You are possibly the only woman alive who can put up with my particular brand of bullshit.
You are beautiful, smart, kind, a wonderful mother to our children and you like my cooking.
In twenty years when the children are finely out of our house I can’t imagine that we’ll ever have that bleak moment where we look at each other across the table and realize that we have nothing left to talk about, because there will always be television, comic books and science. And jokes about tyrannosaurus rex having short arms.
You are truly my best friend and I would be completely lost without you.
And if something did happen to you, rest assure I would never remarry, because my first move would be to pack up the kids and move to Alaska, where there are no available women. Plus I would be too heart broken after loosing the love of my life.
Happy eighth anniversary, I love you more than you could possibly know.